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Monday, September 14, 2009
Threat Condition: Chocolate
This just in: Research company Mindlab International has issued a press release (printed in its entirety by lazy media outlets all over the UK), announcing its findings about "biscuit" injuries. Apparently fully 50% of Britons are such klutzes that they can't have a nice cuppa and a sitdown without wounding themselves:
Hmm, what about afternoon tea breaks? Anyway, the company ranked "biscuits" (which are not really biscuits, but cookies of some type, by their potential for DEATH, thus creating the Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation (geddit?).
This study was commissioned by the makers of "Rocky", some sort of chocolate bar cookie thing. I wonder whether they were happy or dismayed to find that their own product ranked as the third most dangerous.
All together now: ewwww! (Seriously, digestives are the shiznit, as the kids say nowadays, especially when covered with dark chocolate.)
[Insert Michael Moore joke here.] What kind of a spaz do you have to be to poke yourself in the eye with a cookie? Unless it's one of those star-shaped Christmas cookies...naw, you're still a spaz.
Hey! If you took one of the super-deadly "custard creams" to a Tea Party, would you get arrested? Would Obama paint you as a "bitter cookie-clinger", and Maureen Dowd call you a racist? Let's find out! You go first.
While "researching" this story, I came across a reference to an Australian cookie called "Iced Vovos". Sounds like an occupational hazard of figure skaters. I strongly urge you NOT to do as I did, and do an image search for Iced Vovos, especially if you are packing a Y chromosome. Seriously. There are some things better left unknown.
Via Rand Simberg.
 Or, you know, an injury of some sort.
Labels: Too Much Time on My Hands