The Machinery of Night

Posted 7:35 PM by Angie Schultz

Threat Condition: Chocolate

This just in: Research company Mindlab International has issued a press release (printed in its entirety by lazy media outlets all over the UK), announcing its findings about "biscuit" injuries. Apparently fully 50% of Britons are such klutzes that they can't have a nice cuppa and a sitdown without wounding themselves:

More than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits ranging from scalding from hot tea or coffee while dunking or breaking a tooth eating during a morning tea break, a survey has revealed.

Hmm, what about afternoon tea breaks? Anyway, the company ranked "biscuits" (which are not really biscuits, but cookies of some type, by their potential for DEATH[1], thus creating the Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation (geddit?).

This study was commissioned by the makers of "Rocky", some sort of chocolate bar cookie thing. I wonder whether they were happy or dismayed to find that their own product ranked as the third most dangerous.

It found almost a third of adults said they had been splashed or scalded by hot drinks while dunking or trying to fish the remnants of a collapsed digestive.

All together now: ewwww! (Seriously, digestives are the shiznit, as the kids say nowadays, especially when covered with dark chocolate.)

More unusually, three per cent had poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit and seven per cent bitten by a pet or "other wild animal" trying to get their biscuit...

One man even ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray biscuit.

[Insert Michael Moore joke here.] What kind of a spaz do you have to be to poke yourself in the eye with a cookie? Unless it's one of those star-shaped Christmas cookies...naw, you're still a spaz.

Hey! If you took one of the super-deadly "custard creams" to a Tea Party, would you get arrested? Would Obama paint you as a "bitter cookie-clinger", and Maureen Dowd call you a racist? Let's find out! You go first.

While "researching" this story, I came across a reference to an Australian cookie called "Iced Vovos". Sounds like an occupational hazard of figure skaters. I strongly urge you NOT to do as I did, and do an image search for Iced Vovos, especially if you are packing a Y chromosome. Seriously. There are some things better left unknown.

Via Rand Simberg.

[1] Or, you know, an injury of some sort.

Labels: Too Much Time on My Hands