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Thursday, January 04, 2007

"Hi, Ma!" Sang Art

Listen up, yo! Here's my idea for a phresh holiday movie:

It's Christmas,and hot hip hop deejay N. Torious Thugg has decided to turn over a new leaf, based on some heartwarming crap I'll have to dream up later. He's quitting his drug-n-thug lifestyle and going back to his birth name of Homer Wimple.

But Thugg/Wimple didn't get where he is all by himself. He had the backing of some very Badd Boyz, and they're not down with his new plans. So on Christmas Eve, Thugg's car plunges into the ocean in a spectacular fiery crash[1]. His body is never found.

Fast forward one year. It's Christmas Eve again, and the cream of hip-hop society is invited to a party at a secluded [ahem] haunt owned by a wealthy, eccentric record producer. Music! Weed! Coke! Smack! Hors d'oeuvres! But when the guests roll up, they find that the producer is as mystified as they are. It's not his party; he got a cryptic invitation as well.

But they party down anyway, and before too long the wine is flowing like water, and the blood is flowing like wine. Sundry killings and apparitions occur, and it soon becomes clear that they have something to do with Thugg's death. The victims try to flee, but they're trapped in the house by a mudslide (or a blizzard or volcano or sumpin).

Is Thugg's ghost behind the killings? Do ghosts arrange for party trays? Perhaps it's really the work of Thugg's friend, the record producer. Or maybe Thugg is still alive.

I see Eddie Murphy in the role.

See the shocking conclusion to this holiday slay ride, opening approximately the same time Hell freezes over.

You know, petits fours overdose has been known to induce hallucinations, and that results in creativity. Get your fix beginning here.

[1]You may think that "ocean" and "fiery" are incompatible. That's because you have not seen the 1979 Hal Needham specrapular Death Car on the Freeway, in which the eponymous Death Car crashes through a flimsy barrier, bursts into flames, and then slams into the ground. Why waste perfectly good flames on dirt? Have you ever seen a flaming car sail through the air? It's coooool!