The Machinery of Night

Gangsta Wrappers

The Houston Chronicle today published one of those little What-Are-They-Smoking articles in the "star" section (which actually doesn't have a title, just a star), which is what most papers would call their lifestyles section.

It's all about how you can get all creative with your Christmas wrapping, if you have just oodles and oodles of time on your hands. And a substance abuse problem.

Rather than haul out the same tired wrapping paper you've used for years, wrap a little of yourself around your gifts this season.

Yeah, well, unfortunately, this is what they think my "self" is.

A "living" box wrapped by Joanne Brigham incorporates colored wire, moss, cactus buds, a sculptural stick and red paper from an art supply store.

As Niles pointed out, if you received something like that in the mail, you'd call the bomb squad to come blow it up.

And then there's this nightmare.

Dixie Friend Gay gathered items from her garden and home to wrap a package that incorporates a stick, bubble wrap, gauze, metallic thread, a snake skin, feathers, a cicada shell and fur from an old collar.

All wrapped up in an old mattress cover.

These putrid things
Remind me of you...

By the way, somewhere a drag queen weeps because he didn't think of calling himself Dixie Friend Gay first. And then he realizes that he can call himself Gay Dixie Friend, and he's happy again and goes right out and whips up something like this.

A boa wrapped around the side of Blakely Bering's package offers textural contrast to the glitter, Mardi Gras beads and sequin crown on top.

Faaabulous, dahling!

You know, inside each of these boxes is a gift certificate for a Big Mac.

Remember, friends don't let friends take decorating advice from the lifestyles section.