The Machinery of Night

Worthwhile EU Initiative

The EU seems to have finally discovered Europe's towering strength: pastries.

Europe has been searching for years for something to inspire a new generation of citizens - a generation unimpressed by 60 years of peace and the ending of the continent's Cold War divisions.

And so the Austrians, to celebrate their ascendancy to the EU presidency, are touting Europe's cakes. There's a nifty poster, which has writing too small to read, and an even niftier pamphlet, which has recipes.

Here are the cakes:

Austria	Gugelhupf	Chocolate-swirled bundt cake
Finland	Laskiaispulla	Cream-filled bun
Ireland	Scones	Known to Americans as biscuits
Portugal	Pasteis de nata	Looks like custard-filled cups
Slovakia	Orecovy Zavin	Roll filled with nuts and raisins
Estonia	Kaerahelbekupsise	Oatmeal cookies
Italy	Tiramisu	Sponge cake with coffee, chocolate, and cheese
Malta	Imqaret	Deep-fried date sandwiches
Greece	Vasilopita	Spice cake covered in almonds
France	Madeleines	Plain little cakes shaped like shells. Dip in tea to experience hallucinations.
Slovenia	Prekmurska gibanica	Cake layered with poppy, apple, cheese, and nut fillings
Spain	Tarta de Santiago	Religiously-insensitive cake with custard(?) filling
Luxembourg	Apfeltorte	Apple cake
Hungary	Dobos torta	Many-layered cake with cream filling
Denmark	Wienerbrod	"Vienna bread" -- known to Americans as Danish
Sweden	Kanelbulle	Cinnamon roll
Netherlands	Tompoezen	Cream-filled cake
Cyprus	Baklava	Sticky nut cake
Britain	Shortbread	What? Shortbread
Latvia	Rupjmaizes kartojums	A parfait of rye bread layered with whipped cream. No, really.
Czech Republic	Kolach	Cheese-filled sweet rolls. Picture bears no relation to recipe.
Poland	Mazurek	Cake with butter filling
Romania	Cozonac moldovenesc	Chocolate-swirled bread. Calls for fresh pig lard.
Germany	Streuselkuchen	Cake with crumbly butter-sugar topping
Belgium	Waffeln	Waffles. Insert joke here.
Lithuania	Sakotis	The Cake from Another Dimension
Bulgaria	Mliako s oriz	Rice pudding

Several of these call for the peel of an "untreated" lemon or orange. I don't know what that means, but I'm surprised anything is allowed to go "untreated" in the EU.

Other recipes hark back to the days when skilled European cooks would slave for days over their time machines, so that they might journey into the future to purchase prepared filo dough and sponge cake. Has anyone ever seen a recipe that requires you to prepare your own filo dough? NO. Filo dough was unknown before it started showing up pre-made in the grocery store. So where does it come from? Think about it.

From the spiritual residue of blood-sucking insects.