Front page

Are you afraid of the dark?

(Click to invert colors, weenie.) (Requires JavaScript.)

All email will be assumed to be for publication unless otherwise requested.

What's in the banner?

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Resume Padding

Yesterday my old grad school sent me mail, which they never do unless they're begging for money. But this was a computer printout with my student information on it, and printed at the top of the form was a little line to the effect, "This is the information in our records. Could you correct anything that might be wrong, and return it to us?" Just a standard form, you understand, nothing special.

Well, I don't think they've ever done this before. What the...Ay, chihuahua! Looks like there was a little computer glitch down at the old diploma mill.

The important stuff -- name, D.O.B, degrees earned and dates -- was all OK. They even had my undergrad institution and degree correct. But the rest! For starters, they had me down as every ethnic group and marital status. I am a White American Indian Black Asian Pacific Foreign Hispanic (and "Other"), and also simultaneously single, married, divorced, separated, and widowed.

That may explain why I also have four children (three boys and a what-kind-of-name-is-that?), who have between them three surnames of varying ethnicities. The youngest of these was born when I was six years old. Two of them also attended my alma mater (which ain't cheap), and two attended other regional universities, leaving me to wonder how I afforded all this education. Perhaps it was due to the wealth of my current, nameless, spouse -- whose listed D.O.B. makes him three years older than my parents. I got me a sugar daddy! (His birthday's coming up here in a few days. I'd send the old geezer a card, if I knew who he was.)

Furthermore, the form says I was a Chi Omega (uh, no), that I lettered in cross-country (I couldn't have lettered in cross-the-room), that I belonged to Psi Chi, which is the honorary society in psychology, and that I received an engineering scholarship.

I'm tempted to leave those in. Fear me!

Finally, my permanent home is a four digit number in Germany. No street or town or anything, just a number. They're so advanced over there.

So I gotta correct this. Let's see:

Relativistic Hall Pong
(a sport we invented late one night in the hallway, played with a tennis racket and a very bouncy ball)
Honorary Societies:
Phi Beta Kappa (snicker)
Student Activities:
Nobel Prize in Physics (1988)

Think they'll notice?