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Tuesday, March 04, 2003

Something Amis in Texas

Today the Guardian brings us the wit and wisdom of Martin Amis:

And doesn't Texas sometimes seem to resemble a country like Saudi Arabia, with its great heat, its oil wealth, its brimming houses of worship, and its weekly executions?

I live in Houston.

Went out to eat last night. After dinner I went to the bathroom while Niles paid the check. When I came out, he was nowhere to be found. I figured he was in the bathroom, so I waited near the door. A man from the Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice swooped in, and beat me for not having my burqa on straight. Remember: "one size fits all" doesn't, and I'm 5'10". He wanted to know where my male escort was, and I told him Niles was in the bathroom. He said he'd heard that line before, and commenced beating me again. Just then Niles showed up and was fined $10 for leaving his woman unattended. Thank goodness they didn't want to see our marriage certificate!

So we went to the Barnes & Noble, where they were having a ceremonial burning of Martin Amis books. I wanted Mark Steyn's The Case for the Annexation of Canada, but they didn't have it. Instead, all they had were books about the greatness of Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld. As usual, there was a poster with announcements of upcoming literary events. This week is a real treat: they're publically executing Molly Ivins in the parking lot.

Finally we went to the grocery store. We like to go late at night, when there are no compulsory prayer breakfasts. We had a coupon for EL Fudge cookies (butter sandwich cookies in the shape of elves, with chocolate creme in them), but since they started putting little messages on the back ("Elves Exist!")[*], they've been declared Satanic.

Also from Amis:

All US presidents - and all US presidential candidates - have to be religious or have to pretend to be religious. More specifically, they have to subscribe to "born again" Christianity.

Yeah, that law was passed just last week.

Brought to my attention by Dr. Frank. Amis's column brought to you by the Department of September 10. This post sponsored by the Google Institute for Smashing the Enemies of Our Glorious Fatherland.

[*] This part is true. It's scary.