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Friday, March 07, 2003

Psycho Segway-Surfer Sideswipes Surprised Scientist


We bring you this breaking news from Houston: a local man has just had a chilling encounter with the new-fangled death machine known as the Segway.


So, sir, could I have your name, please?



Just Niles.

Very well, Niles. Please tell us where you were when the Segway came bearing down on you.

Well, I was walking on Main St near Sunset, in the Museum District.

When was this?

I'd say it was about 5:45pm.

Where had you been?

I had been attending an exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts, and I was on my way back to work.

Which exhibit was that?

It was a travelling exhibit of paintings, from the State Pushkin Museum in Moscow.

Moscow! Are you some kind of Commie?

And where do you work, sir?

Uh, near there.

Near Moscow?

No! Near the museum.

And that exhibit, didn't that have a lot of "French Masterworks" in it?


Are you sure you're not some kind of Commie Weasel?


No you're not sure?

No, I'm not a weasel! I'm British!

Oh, well, in that case...can you describe the Segway's rider?

It was a man.

Age, race...?

Fortyish, white, dressed like a Rice engineering professor. He was wearing a bicycle helmet, so I couldn't see him that well.

Wearing a disguise! Now, how fast was he going?

Well, quite fast really. Faster than you could walk.

Hmmm, and was he approaching you, or did he sneak up from behind?

Coming towards me.

And did he have any sort of lights on this Segway of his?


Hmmm, and how about a horn, did he have a horn?

Well, he didn't hoot it if he did.

Now, what was your reaction as this behemoth bore inexorably down upon you.

I stepped out of the way.

Stepped out of the way. Into the street, perhaps?

No, I stepped on the other side, into the mud.

Forced into the mud. Now, do you have any idea where he might have been going in such an all-fired hurry, knocking innocent citizens into the muck?

Well, of course he could've been going anywhere. But I had just passed a group of peace protesters at the Mecom Fountain...

I see, peace protesters. How many would you say there were?

Oh, well into the teens.

Teens? You mean, over ten thousand?

No, over ten. Under 20.

Under 20 peace protesters.


Now, sir, at any time, did you feel the slightest bit threatened by this maniac?

No, but you can make stuff up.


Hot damn! My first journalistic scoop! I bet this is just how Welch and Layne do it.