The Machinery of Night

Posted 4:07 PM by Angie Schultz

Where's Wal---er, Osama?

I see that there's been fresh Osama spoor.

Below is a copy of some email I sent Niles from Sydney. The date on the file said March of 2002, but I'm pretty sure I actually sent the mail late in 2001, probably somewhere after October 7 and before the fall of Mazar-i-Sharif.

I "took care of" Osama bin Laden last night.

Last night I found this huge roach in my apartment, easily the biggest I've ever seen. It was longer and wider than my thumb.

I chased it around the bedroom for a bit, and decided to name it Osama.

A couple of times I lost him, despite turning the bedroom upside down, and had to give up the chase. When I went back into the bedroom, there he was. It turned out he was hiding at the edge of the big wall mirror.

So I turned out the lights and sat there to wait, knowing he would have to come out eventually. I reflected on what President Bush said, "We are a patient people." I prepared myself to be patient.

And I waited.

And then I thought, "You know, George, it's one thing to tell a few white lies in the Cause, but nobody is going to buy this 'patient people' shit. We are probably the least patient people on the planet."

So I went off for more weapons.

In the end, I "smoked him out of his hole" by the use of chemical weapons (Windex---he hated that), and then used my heavy artillery (my shoe).

And in the end...Osama got away. Yes, <wink> I failed to kill him <wink>. But I shall not give up the fight <wink>, and shall continue to <wink> pursue him and his foul kind.

Sekrit communique to my staunch British ally: He sleeps with the coffee grounds.

Afghanistan [i.e., my bedroom] suffered severe disruption, but it's such a squalid place that a little more was not noticeable. US forces suffered a bloodied toe, not from the actual battle, but in the clean-up operations. There were no civilian casualties (being no civilians), but the Flapping Terror bearing the Colors was somehow tipped over. This was set right without incident.

Shhh...don't tell the UN about the Windex.

The "Flapping Terror" alluded to is my large Darkwing Duck doll ("I am the Terror that flaps in the night! I am the winged scourge that pecks at your nightmares!" Etc). I bought an American flag to wave at the Sydney Olympics, and after the Olympics were over I let Darkwing hold it. He looks like he's going to storm Mt. Suribachi.

I should point out that, at the time, naming the roach Osama and smashing the hell out of it after chasing it around the bedroom was wonderfully cathartic.

Anyhow, I think this is pretty much the government's position, We're still looking <wink>. I just wish they wouldn't pretend they know it's definitely him.