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Monday, September 16, 2002

Frank Discussions

I can't believe I forgot to blog about this.

Last weekend (or the one before) Niles and I went to the Big Place to Buy Things. Up ahead of us were two vehicles that looked like rust-colored tanker trucks, but they were not...

Niles, those are Wienermobiles!
*snort* So they are.
Maybe we can follow them and score some hot dogs. Catch up to them, Niles!
I can't. They're going 65 miles an hour!
And your point is...?
Speed limit's only 55.
And your point is...?
I'm not going to get a ticket just to catch up to Wienermobiles. Look, they're heading off toward Austin, anyway.
Can we go to Austin, Niles?
It's only 150 miles.
They might not be going that far...You know, if we had a PDA with a cell modem, we could look up the Wienermobile web site and find out where they're going.
Maybe next year.

(You know, when I report these conversations with Niles, I always come across as really whiny. Huh.)

Oh, it makes me so proud to be an American, and so glad to be back home. That's the kind of thing that made this country great: giant mobile foodstuffs!

Our mythical PDA is going to have to have Flash/Shockwave/SomeOtherKindaBloatWare, because it seems you can't get in to the Wienermobile website without it. This page shows a nice picture without any Schlockwave. It's on the Carlin Mfg website "the worldwide leader in Custom Mobile Kitchens and Relocatable Modular Food Service". Don't miss their photo gallery, which includes the Bahrain Burger King and the SpamMobile. (Sadly, these are just truck-shaped.)

I love the web. The things you can find! According to this page, Wienermobiles have a theoretical top speed of 90 mph. This site reports an unfortunate accident between the Wienermobile and one of our valiant women in uniform (the Wienermobile sustained only light damage). The site says that the airbags are hot dog-shaped, but I don't think so. I think those dogs are part of the dash, as is clear from this interior shot from the Carlin site. The doohickey on the passenger side, which kind of does look like a deployed airbag, is probably just an inflatable Wienermobile.

I don't know how the Nabisco truck got on the roof. Did it teleport up there?

Niles, being British, is completely ignorant of the rich American hot dog culture. So I had to sing wiener songs to him.

That first link points out the politically incorrect nature of the Armour hot dog lyrics, which Niles also mentioned. "Sissy kids?" "Chicken pox??"The second link is part of a sermon which reveals the foul web connecting Oscar Meyer hot dogs, orgies, and Al Qaeda.

The last link is to some dubious lyrics for the "Wiener Man" song, which is frequently featured as a joke on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Apparently it was the kind of song kids sing at camp, but since I never went to camp, I never heard it. (There is a particularly beautiful version at the beginning of Episode 817, "Horror of Party Beach".) Never having heard the song in its entirety, I went Googling for it and did not find it, not in full, except for some MST references.

Web sites have now become the Dead Sea Scrolls preserving our ephemeral culture. It's a shame when something is so little referenced on the web that a Google search comes up dry. Therefore, let me display what I think are the more correct lyrics for this song:

I know a wiener man
He owns a hot dog stand
He gives me everything
From wieners on down.
Someday, I'll be his wife
And then we'll live the wiener life--
Hot dog! I love the wiener man!

Ah, glorious, glorious.

These are way cool, but apparently have been recalled for excess lead.

I want one of these for Christmas. It plays music!

And, look! I sleep much safer knowing that the Wienermobile will be ready to defend the nation at a moment's notice.

Soon after I got back, I pestered and nagged Niles (no doubt sounding whiny) to take me to Denny's and IHOP for real Amurrican food. Sounds like it's time to whine to be taken to James Coney Island or Sonic or (be still my heart) A&W.
(Nope, don't seem to be any in Houston, and they don't even have a real web site.)


UPDATE: Dang! Forgot another one! For completeness's sake we must have this ditty (harmonica version), which Oscar Meyer re-wrote as:

Hot diggity, dog diggity, boom!
What you do to me!
Oscar Meyer makes
Hot dogs diggity.

I think I've found my oeuvre: toilet brush reviews and songs about weenies.

UPDATE 2: Link rot took my Wienermobile-joins-the-Air-Force link. I hope it's fixed now.