Posted 3:23 PM by Angie Schultz

Now It Can Be Told

This one's for Bruce Hill, because he says he owes me.

Right here on this very blog, I am going to reveal the secret behind the US's continuing support of Israel, in spite of the trouble it has caused with the oily rulers of oily kingdoms and their grubby off-shore fanatic lapdogs.

(Pant! Pant! Foaming at the mouth is hard!)

Drooling white supremacists and supercilious Euro-leftists assert that it's because of the obscene amounts of gold that the Vast Jewish Conspiracy pumps into the coffers of our elected officials.

Other Europeans warn darkly of the crazed snake-handling, tongues-babbling, American fundamentalist Christians, who take literally Biblical claims that the Jews are the Chosen People of God.

More moderate thinkers assert that the US's support is due to cultural sympathy between Israel and the US, like the fact that it is the only real democracy in a sea of warlords, kleptocrats, and supreme-ruler-for-lifes.

But none of these is the true reason. I have the true reason.

It's the bagels.

Yes! Bagels! Bagels make all the difference! America breakfasts on bagels, and love and respect for the chewy breads forms our attitudes toward Israel.

Rumsfeld practically lives on bagels. Condi Rice strengthens those big beaver teeth of hers by gnawing on bagels. That "pretzel" that Bush choked on a while back? A bagel. Now Laura won't allow 'em in the house. Dick Cheney sneaks them to him via sympathetic Secret Service agents. When Laura is too vigilant, they can't get through and that's when Wobbly Watch begins.

It hardly need be said that there is not a single bagel within Saudi Arabia. Arafat, in his youth, was dumped by a bagel-baker's daughter. He swore off bagels forever, and that has fueled his evil. It's true! He doesn't care about the girl, but the loss of the bagels has driven him mad! (That and the desire to be the beloved leader who brings his people victory through war.)

And the Europeans? Feh. Vedrine and Chirac are of course croissant men, no hope for them, ever. Chris Patten fell into strange and foreign ways during his tenure as governor of Hong Kong, and now eats bangers and eggs with a side of rice. I believe someone in the British military slips Tony Blair a bagel now and again, probably at lunch when Cherie's not looking.

This is where Bruce Hill comes in. He says he owes me a favor. Well, I no longer need this favor, but he can help out his adopted countrymen. Bring Bagels to Australia! Particularly to Sydney. When I was there I had the damnedest time finding bagels. Tortillas, no problem, but decent bagels were nowhere to be found.

Oh, they had objects sold as bagels---bits of Wonder Bread wadded into toroids and covered in what tasted like dampened kraft paper. Once Niles and I saw an article in the Sydney Morning Herald (that's before I knew enough to be suspicious of the rag) praising "authentic" bagel shops and identifying one in nearby Bondi Junction. So we went over there and found they were authentically baked twice weekly, and came in authentic stale plain, stale poppy, or stale sesame.

(This led to the ill-fated Randwick Experiment, in which Shiksa Schultz attempted to roll her own, so to speak. This resulted in hideous mutated bagels about eight inches across and half an inch high. It is thought that all the evidence from this nightmarish blasphemy was covertly disposed of---and surprisingly tasty it was, too, despite the deformed shape.)

Back to Bruce---he can advance the cause of right-thinking in Australia if he will only encourage the selling of decent bagels there. So come on, Bruce! Bagels for Bondi! Buy a bagel today! Get out the word! Better living through bagels!

Remember, the power of the Blogosphere is nothing compared to the power of the Bagelsphere!